Abuse is one of the most damaging things I believe anyone can go through. I let the perpetrator in, and he had a lot of tricks up his sleeve to win me over. The problems began once we were married. The poison spreads to all parts of your body and mind, and what’s worse about abusive people is that they believe their own lies and convince others that their lies are true. When I had an outburst, I did it several times. It was an attempt to stand up for myself. My husband would point the finger and shout from the rooftops, ‘There you go; you’re the abuser; you’re the one shouting and screaming at me.’ He is a manipulator and a bully, and it is torturous. It’s gaslighting, making me feel as if I were going insane. The feelings drove me to complete and utter despair, but added to the utter feeling of hopelessness I felt are my family members I have loved and cared for — my daughters, my own brother and sister—who stand back and do nothing; even a parent remains silent. Family members who are ignorant of the situation and the abuser’s lies end up siding with the abuser. He is so convincing that they will not listen to my pleas to be heard but are sure to let me know I am the bad person. A family member (by marriage only) chooses to be the abuser’s strongest ally, helping to spread lies about me to my family and my own adult children, with the aim of causing the most harm. How did this happen? I wonder why a mother would wish to destroy another mother’s relationship with her children. The mental health of the adult children may suffer because of this in the future. I wonder if they have given this any thought. What chance do I have when my environment is ruined, my family is devastated, and everyone is afraid of the abusers? The hardest thing to accept is that they will not protect their own family.
Unfortunately, this gave them even more power over me. This has been my personal experience, and I can’t explain why it happened. There have been some hurt and some awful instances that we as a family had to deal with before the abusive partner came into my life. Still, nothing that would cause people to want to destroy me and my world, but it’s as if they found a way to hold me responsible for everything that’s gone wrong and the bad behaviour of other people. My abusers, the husband, and the family member have duped me into thinking they care about me. The family member has been in our family since the mid-90s, and I had no reason to suspect she hated me so much. I cannot tell you of any occasion that we had fallen out in the past, but they have persuaded my children that I am the abuser and that I do not care about them. I have been accused of telling lies, of which I have no idea what they are since they will not tell me and therefore will not allow me to defend myself. I recently came across a news story about three women who went to the police and reported a crime a man had committed against them. They expressed how they thought they were the ones who were not believed, and while the culprit was innocent until proven guilty, in court they were made to feel as though they were lying. I can relate to this feeling. I’ve been accused of being the abuser, but the abusers are standing back; they’ve taken away my voice, my family has taken my voice away, and the family has remained silent.
In terms of my children, I have been deprived of the status of the mother, and they, too, are abusive towards me, behaving badly and then expecting me to sit down, shut up, and say nothing; when I resisted, I received more abuse from them, I have been judged for defending myself, called toxic because I refused to accept the cruel behaviour towards me. I have been made to feel useless and undeserving of the title of mother. Nonetheless, I was a good mother. I may not have been perfect, and I have struggled with my own mental health in the past, but I was a genuinely good mother, and they will never take that away from me, even if they hate me. One day, they will understand the consequences of their behaviour and have a greater perspective on the world, and I hope that my children will be able to identify true abusers in their lives.
I have found peace with my friends and with counselling, which gave me the strength to leave my husband and tell my family I do not want them in my life any longer. Maybe one day though, I will have my daughters back. They were my world.
My beautiful dog gives me the unconditional love I deserve. I lost my dad earlier this year; his love for me never failed. He tried to get my family to see what the abusers were doing, but they chose to ignore him. He walks by my side every day.
My family is not good enough to be my family. I will heal; I will not change who I am because who I am is good enough.
Name protected.